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Not to Be

You never had a day that was all about you, until this one

There would be no ring placed on your finger by a suitor

No surprise planned by bridesmaids to shower you with gifts 

No walk down the aisle in white lace, clinging to your beloved father's arm

A cascade of flowers falling from your hand

It was not to be

Still you remained hopeful and never bitter

I thought about this as I waited for your hearse to arrive at the cemetery

The only time in your life when a hired black car would bring you to the place

Where you would be the center of everyone's attention

A public appearance planned to the last detail

As you would have wanted

Except for this

You were never "fashionably late" for anything and I thought how you would not have liked this

Keeping the guests waiting on a sunny but chilly November day

I remembered the words of my favorite Emily Dickinson poem

About how after death "a formal feeling comes"

And this was the "hour of lead"

It came like the thief your Beloved warned us of

Only I never thought it would steal you from us that way

Yet I have no doubt that you are where you have longed to be

And it feels a bit like a reproach, that you were ready to go, but I still have so much work to do

One more reminder of the graces I lack...

I always imagined that you and I would have another conversation

One that set things straight 

And mended what was broken

But it was not to be

I've been left in the abyss 

Exiled but not lost

I listen for the Shepherd's voice, but you have seen His Face.

Tomorrow is your favorite Marian feast day

And I was hoping that when you lectored at Mass tomorrow

You would be wearing the Immaculate Conception scarf I sent you for Christmas last year, a kind of peace offering

And when I would see the scarf adorning your wardrobe I'd know:

All is forgiven, all is well

It was not to be, at least not in this life

But I trust that the Shepherd has explained it all to you

Your oblivion

My feelings

And none of it matters now

Except that you are missed

Here in the valley of tears

Where we prayed, laughed and cried

And you lovingly admonished me not to throttle my spouse, as I joked I would do so often

Kindred souls on a journey

Which continues for me, alone




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